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June 24, 2003 - 22:14 |
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exclusion
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I've slipped below the flat-line level now. I'm a few steps above depressed. All I want to do is cry really. I've spent all day being cheerful...excessively cheerful to strangers. Doing my job.I hate it. I don't want to be cheerful. I want to curl up and feel miserable.
If you read my last entry you would know I was plenty upset last night. I cried myself to sleep. I don't know how long it's been since I did that last. I hate crying. I find it weak for me to cry. I hate it. Not to mention crying normally hurts physically as well.
Even right now I am torn between actually talking to my boyfriend tonight or just turning off all my IM's. I really just want to cry. I hate that. I hate it. Why can't I just let this one go?
We've fought before. It's never lasted long...the hurt or anger. I don't know why it's hurting for so long this time. Maybe because it's an issue I've brought up several times before. I want to be a part of his life and so often he just leaves me out. I have no idea where he is now. Prolly with his wife at the hospital. Where he should be. Or playing with his daughter. Or maybe he's already in bed. Forgetting this moody bitch he had to deal with in the morning.
I doubt the last. *sigh* I want to be happy. I want to be a part of his life
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