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June 26, 2003 - 23:27 |
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Overwhelmed
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I want to collapse.
I am so tired and I think I'm doing it to myself. I know I'm tired now, but I force myself to stay up. I don't know why I'm doing this now. I already feel overwhelmed enough.
I need more hours in my nights. I work best at night, but lately I've gotten so behind in my designing. I need to get to work, but I have no energy. Still I make myself stay up thinking I'm going to get this or that done.
I already know that this is doing me more harm than good. Gawd I suck. I need a real brain between these ears. One that thinks in more than code. Maybe buy myself some feelings while I was at it.
Speaking of which I was feeling particularily lazy at work the other night and I ended up looking at some archived messages between my boyfriend and myself. I had some interesting thoughts back then.
I said in one message that I thought/felt in images. Single snapshots that often made no sense to me at all. Strange no? I explained how I felt I was standing at the edge of a cliff. My hair was blowing back towards the land behind me, but I was inexplicably drawn forward. Closer to the edge.
It don't think that it said it there, but I think I was not just drawn towards the edge, but over it as well. To feel the sweet release of free fall. Heck that soudns pretty darn good to me now.
I think, looking back, I was talking about losing control of things. I don't have control of things, but I haven't lost control. Do you know what I mean?
I have no control in my life, but I can control myself. I want to lose control of myself for a change. Break down a few walls (*grin*) so to speak.
Perhaps I have just come full circle now. Perhaps my staying up is to force some control over at least myself while the rest of my life is overwhelmed.
I think I need some time off from life. No code to write, no familial expectations...no NOTHING...Oy, I'm tired. This is too much thinking for one night.
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