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September 20, 2003 - 15:56 |
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Agoraphobia
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This afternoon has got me wondering if maybe I'm starting to become agoraphobic. I've always not liked going out by myself. Truth is I get very unnerved when I go out by myself to dinner or something. Going some place new is a journey of epic proportions.
Today I went shopping. I need to pick up some ingrediants for a pie. Instead of going to the Safeway nearest my house, I went to the Superstore at Metrotown. It's a huge mall, but I never thought twice about the grocery store being crowded on a Saturday afternoon.
So I arrived and it was packed. Not a problem to begin with, but the longer I stayed in there the worse I felt. I gripped my little grocery basket tight and wanted to shrink into some tiny little corner. I didn't of course. I used the same will that I used everytime I had to do something like this. I forced myself to act like everything was alright. I got my stuff, left and walked as fast as I could out of the mall.
I kinda still feel like crying right now. I can't believe that I felt nearly the same way I do when I leave the valley by myself. Like I need to run back home and hide under the covers.
My first time leaving here to go across the water to Victoria I was 20 or 21 years old. Still I felt panicked waiting for the ferry. I did the only thing I could do then. Found a person and latched on. A complete stranger who I got to talk a bit to me.
I did the same my first time on a plane. I was 21 then. As soon as I couldn't see my parents anymore I started feeling panicked and wanted to run back through the security stuff and go back home. I think I must have kept the guy beside me from the nap he wanted on the plane cause I wouldn't stop talking.
Gawd, I'm gonna have to beat this. It's just getting worse. I can't keep pushing that sort of fear down forever. Sooner or later it's going to get to me I think.
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