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September 21, 2003 - 01:28 |
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One IM
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I feel so unwanted right now. I know i shouldn't feel slighted or anything, but I've had an irrational day as you can prolly tell from my previous entry.
When I got home today my bf had left an IM waiting for me. I reponded, happily, as soon as I saw it. That was at 3pm my time. It's 1:30am now. Guess I wasn't high enough on his list of priorities for him to come back and see if I was home yet.
I know I shouldn't feel slighted and that there must be some good excuse, but I don't feel like being rational. I'm guess that since I didn't answer immediately but got to the message an hour later (right when I got home) perhaps he assumed I went to my parents or I'm ignoring him. Doesn't mean he should just dismiss me so quickly.
I wonder if he knows that everytime I hear the sound of someone IMing me on Y! I jump out of bed to see if it's him. I always feel such a sharp stab of disappointment when it's not him, but my sister or mom or a friend. Now that he finally does IM me, he just doesn't bother to get back to it to see if I came home.
As I said I don't feel like being rational. I'm still beating myself up about how I acted in the damned grocery store. I'm not in the best of mental states. I just wish I didn't feel so damned unimportant to him that he doesn't bother to try harder to get a hold of me.
You know this brings up another subject. I never know when he is going to be home. Sometimes he works right through the weekends. Yet he just expects me to when he'll be home and to be sitting here to catch his IM. He always seems to IM when I'm already asleep or not home or something. I wonder if it ever occurred to him that if I was visiting my parents and he let me know by e-mail that he would be on Y! that I may just well take the chance and turn it on there. Otherwise it's too much of a risk for me.
Of course then he pulls out the never talk and makes me feel guilty about trying to protect my privacy since I have almost no privacy when I visit my family. So here I sit and wait. Reading my book.
In other news everyone got a good laugh over the retelling of my strange dreams. I mean at least my family did. I didn't mention how I've been much more tired then usual after these dreams. In fact I actually was drifting in and out of sleep this evening. I could barely keep my eyes open. Not to mention feeling particularily lethargic.
Oh did I mention my mail? I haven't been opening it. I've started a pile on the table and it sits there. Unopened. I think that disturbs me more. I don't even have the interest in opening my mail even right now.
You know, rambling on, I should mention I haven't spent all day in bed with a book for a long time till recently. Last time was over two years ago. Back when the world was falling to pieces around my feet. Books are so nice to escape into.
Yanno, in light of everything, I think I'm falling into something I'd rather not fall into. All I know is that my current patterns of behavoir aren't right. Perhaps I should have seen that damned psychologist nearly 3 yrs ago. I doubt it would do any good though. I'm a notoriously private person.
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