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June 17, 2003 - 10:20 |
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Emotional Death
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I was just responding to a note someone left in my notes area and what I began to write sounded a lot like a new entry. So I'm making a new entry. I think my boyfriend will be happy that I am so over using this diary.
I started writing that I find it hard to let go totally. Even in writing as an anonymous person. I've spent so much time building up the walls that I used to protect myself. Walls that I used to keep my distance.
It wsn't that long ago...before I met my boyfriend...that I thought I was totally incapable of emotion. I didn't know whether or not I had any capacity for feeling. I felt dead. Not hard to believe that I wanted to be dead physically as well.
I didn't, and still don't, have close attachments to most people. Most of the friends I have I can walk away from without ever feeling a thing. There is always this distance I keep between me and them.
I remember a play I was in once. It doesn't relate too much to what I am saying except for a line from it. Good walls make good neighbors; good neighbors make good walls. Perhaps that is why I kept the walls between me and even my closest friends.
Something did change to make feel as if I wasn't entirely dead in the emotional sense. I fell in love. Just over two years ago. My boyfriend now was who I fell in love with. It hit me so hard and, since I'm being honest, it scared the shit out of me. I don't think I even knew what it was at first.
When I did discover that what I felt was love I wasn't any less scared. It truly was a new emotion to me...and a powerful one. It was so totally unexpected.
Now whenever I even think about him I get that same feeling way down deep inside. It helps me know that even when we fight I still do love him just as much as ever. Maybe even more.
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