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June 17, 2003 - 22:07 |
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Lonely
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Hoya what day. I'm glad I got out for a change. Sometimes I like my lonely life and othertimes I just hate it. After 7hrs of solid company today I am ready to be alone.
I always have liked being alone. Even when I was growing up I never liked a lot of company. Had my parents let me I would have eaten my meals in my room...alone. While they watched that evil stoopid-box (aka TV), I was reading a book in my room. I think I was destined for loneliness.
Even with my boyfriend now I'm alone all the time. Most of the time I couldn't care less about my being alone, but now and then it gets to me and I get snarky. Worst of all I get snarky with him. It's then that I pick at him getting angry for the tiniest things. I just get plain old mean.
I really hate myself when I do that too. Especially when he finally has enough and just stops talking to me for a bit. I lay on my bed and bawl my eyes out, hating every last inch of myself.
I spend a lot of energy after such "tantrums" to figure out why I do that. The best I can figure is that I am punishing myself for.....For what? Being alone? I mean it's totally stoopid of me. In the same time as I'm punishing myself I'm sort of punishing him for...once again, for what? Loving me?
Gawd I am so screwed emotionally. I hurt him to hurt myself. Maybe I've never really gotten over all the abuse I went through as a child. Maybe I really do think so little of myself and maybe when I'm lonely I punish myself for being weak.
That must be it. I always wanted to be strong. Mentally stronger than those around me and I guess my being lonely is weak to me.
I'm really just throwing out theories here. Whatever comes to mind. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Maybe I'm really just normal and I don't know it. I know that I don't really know what normal is, just what I've been told.
Is abuse normal? Is alcoholic parents normal? Is a married boyfriend normal? No it's not, or maybe it's more common than I know. *shakes head* Someone shoot me.
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